When Karma is Too Kind

"'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view,
And robes the mountain in its azure hue."

It frustrates the hell out of me when someone reaps what they sow and reap a bad crop...but not as bad as what they have sown. (Stay with me; I'm going somewhere with this.) I know it makes me seem cruel and unusual, but so is destroying someone's life and barely losing sleep at night.

I try to remember to be human when I find out that people who have damn-near destroyed my insides aren't doing as well as they thought they would be without me. I've always been encouraged to be the bigger person, so the mommy inside is always there to chastise my arrogance. Lately, however, there's been an inner a-hole, raging and protesting against my humanity, shouting, "That's it? After all the pain you've caused me and all the crap you said to me, that's it? I must be missing something."

In one sense, I understand the "fairness" behind it all. Hell, if most of us received exactly what we gave others, or were made to feel the way we made others feel (even unintentionally), none of us would be living a great life. We've all destroyed some one's faith in one thing or another with our willful selfishness and self-centered ways. That still doesn't mean that some people's Karma isn't just a little too kind. Well...at least from the outside.

For example, even if the last man I dealt with has a crappy marriage, he's still married with a pregnant wife. A baby is too kind for that situation. Something to hide behind. A cute little piece of the both of them by which to be distracted. Nowhere near as painful as the last two years of my life...perhaps Karma confused itself with Kismet. Perhaps he wasn't judged to be strong enough to handle septic situation I had to endure in order to grow. I don't see that as a compliment to me, however. His cowardice should not determine his consequences, especially when he didn't consider any. I must be honest; I'm still quite pissed.

And then I found the Thomas Campbell quote above. It's one thing to view a situation from afar. The view is always better (and I mean that more than in the "greener grass" sense). When one is looking for something that someone else has found virtually effortlessly, the view from afar is a work of art. A mountain veiled in an azure hue. It's only when you get close that you notice the sharp rocks and the steep climb to the top. But that's if you can get close. I never have and never will...which sucks because I don't know if I will ever truly feel vindicated.

I realize I'm not really a victim, however. I've been hurt a lot in my life, but I've always tried to offer support to others to soften the blows life deals them. This doesn't necessarily make me a great person, but I'm reaping some good now in the form of a good friend who shatters my delusions and helps me understand that most things I see and feel are temporal. They are transient and must be so to promote the force and "fairness" of Karma. In other words, "Stay tuned...there's still more to see before the sick season finale of their awful reality show." And though it shouldn't that's the only thought that gives me some comfort.

Besides, if we really want to dive deeper into this cosmic "what-I-deserve-vs.-what-I-actually-get" fest, perhaps my having to witness it all is due to some Karma I'm owed...it's the humble thought that keeps me sane. And by sane I mean NOT taking my 15-pound bowling ball and bashing in his skull...;-)

~~~ Thanks, M.D.D.C.~~~

Pretty for No Reason

Her face looked different at 2 am. Peaceful. Beautiful. And I wanted her most then when she was vulnerable. That face she learned to put on when she woke up was nowhere in sight and I was free to enjoy her face the way it was meant to be – easy. Pretty for no reason. I loved her, and I could only admit that to myself when she wasn’t looking for it…or looking at me.

I often rolled over in the middle of the night and saw her sleeping on her stomach. Her mouth always slightly opened; she drooled a lot, but took a lot of effort to try to hide it from me when she woke up in the morning, which I thought was cute. And I was always happy to see her there beside me. When we met I was sure she wouldn’t stick around, so every night I woke up and found her drooling right next to me, I was so glad she didn’t wake up realizing I was the lucky one.

Most of the time, my late-night watching ended in sex. At some point she would go roll over on her side, and I was right there, ready to pull her close. The control of it all was a high; the surprise in her eyes when my breath hit her neck was an experience I’d do anything to get back.

One night she beat me to the punch. I rolled over, and she was staring at me with this smirk on her face. I thought I was dreamin’ or somethin’. I rarely saw her eyes that time of night in our bed…her bed. She reached over and touched my face like she knew I thought I was goin’ crazy.

“Could you see us doing this forever?” she asked. Her voice raspy from night. Her breath smelling like pillow and mint tea.

“Doin’ what?” I responded. Like I hadn’t thought of askin’ that question myself.

“This…looking at each other like this in the middle of the night. Knowin’ we ‘bout to tear each other up.” She laughed that laugh that made my heart jump.

“Go back to sleep,” was my response before I turned my back to her. I still don’t know why I did it. I don’t know why I couldn’t just say what I was thinking…tell her I wanted her forever but was too messed up to see forever right then.

As usual she tried to compensate for my insensitivity. Rubbed my back, probably hopin’ I would turn ‘round smilin’ like I was jokin’, but I pulled away without another word. I couldn’t go back to sleep, but I didn’t move, and she didn’t either, for a while. I knew she was cryin’, silent like a soldier. And I went to sleep.

When I woke up, things were different; she kicked me out her house. That’s my favorite memory of her. Even through screaming tears, I was so attracted…wanted to comfort her and say somethin’, but I had no words and my pride wouldn’t allow me to just hold her. I left without argument. I knew it would hurt her.

I started to make a back-up plan for companionship. Gettin’ phone numbers and settin’ up dates. I felt like I was wit her so long that it felt good to notice other women noticin’ me. Impressed with my appearance and flirtin’ back when I smiled at ‘em. Eventually we got things back together but they were never the same. I wouldn’t allow myself to stare at her anymore, and anytime I felt myself gettin’ too close I called another girl, or made plans wit my friends, or started another fight so I could leave and blame it all on her. I was in too deep before; I told myself I would never put myself in that position again. I worked to keep my word to myself, even if it meant breakin’ promises to her.

When I wake up now, there’s a face next to me, and I’ve never been one to pass up middle-of-the-night sex, but there are some things that can’t be re-created. That feelin’ of appreciation I had for her just bein’ there. The excitement I felt knowing she would be waitin’ when I got home. The thick love she poured on me belongs only to her...

But that’s life…switch things up, keep it movin’, and regret nothin’. After all, there’s always someone who’ll want you.