Aruba, Aruba! (In My Marley, Welcome-to-Jamrock voice!)

A vacation was just what I needed. Here's what I realized on the beach...

I AM NOT A TEACHER ANYMORE; I'M A PROFESSOR WHO NEEDS A PLATFORM, NOT A CLASSROOM...

I need to find another job...already...

I am a person of many convictions...and won't compromise the good ones.

I need to take a vacation every year...and deserve it...

I can go without social networking and phones for a long time...and not miss them...

I need to delete contacts from my phone; I don't need too many people there just to be "there."

I'm still trying to figure out what this world is really all about...

I'm more fun than many think.

I'm a writer...

I have writer's block ...  : - (

I need more sleep and a healthier diet.

I like strawberry coladas!

I love my family...well...the members I actually interact with...

I want to help kids, but I also want to be well-paid.

I have many eye issues, but I'm thankful I can see.

God is most present for me in places like Arbua.

I look good in a bathing suit!

I need to relax much more than I do.

I truly have a love-hate relationship with America!

If I have kids, they are not going with me when I return to Aruba! And I will go back!

N.Y. to D.C. Direct

She called me because she was frustrated about him. Well, actually it was about not having him there, but she didn't admit to feeling any kind of way really. Just annoyed. The type of "annoyed" that prompts you to pick up the phone and call your close friend in D.C. all the way from N.Y. to say, "I'm annoyed." And the more she talked about nothing in particular, the more I understood the root of her feelings, so I waited to hear his name. 

Didn't have to wait too long before she said his name and expressed frustration over him not being able to clearly express wanting to do things apart. And on top of all that...he didn't call back when he said he would. I understood this feeling. It wasn't annoyance or frustration. It was love.

The part of love I cannot forget is wanting the subject around, just because you love him. When you love someone just because they are who they are, you want them to be able to enjoy life without you...but there are times you just want an inkling that they feel the way you feel and enjoy life best with you. And when they aren't around and don't bother to call you (or call you back) to show you they feel the same, it's "frustrating" and "annoying." You know that you truly love someone when they can throw off the entire balance of your day by not being a part of it. I remember that. I remember love. It was so long ago for me, but that feeling of heart flutters and warm bellies at the thought of just seeing him will never be far enough from the present to help me rest well. But I was happy that if someone didn't love me that way, I could at least receive assurance that feelings like that existed. That I wasn't crazy for loving my subject that way all those years ago. And just because that love was never returned, it didn't mean it wasnt good love.

And understanding how she felt, I kept her from jumping over the cliff I fell from when he fell out of love with me, and assured her that she was overreacting. And that he loved her the same. And that he wasn't stepping on her feelings on purpose. And soon he called to confirm how right I was...

What they share is rare in the days of settling, loving the one you're with, and making it work. It's no-bullshit...raw...appreciation for one another and respect for the possibilities therein. It's love...in the age of everything but...

Narcoleptic Nightmares

One week he crossed the line, talking about how much he thinks about the random reckless act of idiocy we committed three years ago. The next week he was back to reality, acting like what he said was normal and telling me he was narcoleptic; I was mad I cared. I even sent him an email expressing my concern. That's the dumb side of me. I can't turn off my concern for people, even when they show me it isn't necessary because they don't care either way.

Men often let themselves "off the emotional hook," and act like there is no such thing as taking responsibility for what happens when they open their mouths. His defense when I confronted him about what he said was, "I didn't know you would take that so seriously..." Seriously dude?

Do you really think changing the subject to your health problems wasn't going to allow me to question your intentions when you verbally vomited your "in-the-moment" feelings all over the front seat of my car? Or was I just supposed to think that because you have elsewhere obligations that you're allowed to play with the single girl who writes the interesting stories because...she writes, so she understands fiction? Yeah...I know...I'm, you know, "too serious..." Whatever... I'm always crystal clear with my desires, and I'm not one to have those played with by anyone. Why would you light the fuse of a fire cracker and then act surprised because she had the nerve to explode? Seems kind of stupid to me.

My frustration gives birth to nothing but more frustration, however. Men always win. There's always a woman waiting in the wings. Their minds allow so much distraction during a typical day full of their own issues and problems that there's no room to think about how their actions affect the insignificant people in their lives. I understand this now, so I'm placing all this at the feet of the culprit and walking away. I accept that he will not follow me... AND NOW THE TOAST...

...I lift this mug of moroccan mint tea to "amazing, radioactive" you. I'm glad one of us can retreat to the sweet bed of memory without wishing for the chance to do things differently - to show some self-respect and not send the message that it's okay to be treated like a fleeting fantasy with no substance. Knowing what I know now, I would definitely have done things differently. I would have signed out my email and pretended I didn't know you for a while. I wouldn't have shared my thoughts or writing with you. But there's nothing we can do about that now...so I'm letting myself off the hook for caring for you a little too much. Not that it was love, or anything close, but even the little bit of the damn I gave was too taxing...

Sweet Dreams...

"Grateful for..." Saturday, July 2, 2011

This week was a rough one. My car was hit. Had to shell out money I didn't have. Found out that professions don't always promote professional respect. Remembered how angry I am. So...as I type this at 4:00 in the morning, I'm grateful for...well...honesty...because that's all I really got at 4:00 in the morning. I wish I had someone to hold...