LOLs and Farewells

His number popped up beside the message, "How u been?" She had deleted his contact information months ago, like that would make him disappear.

"Good? U?" Short. Nonchalant. Like her heart didn't skip a beat when his number popped up.

"Same. I kno u wanted 2 throw the phone when u saw it was me. LOL!"

Neither of them were laughing; both of them knew it.

"Not really. LOL. We're cool. : - )" She didn't mean that; she was hurt, pissed, and a bit frustrated...still... He knew she was lying.

"Oh! I was just checkin on u. I kno we ain't end well. I kno u want 2 kill me. LOL!." That was an understatement. They both knew it.

"I'm good. LOL!" Except for this broken heart and terrible attitude I developed after you kicked me in the gut. (She said that part aloud). No one was around to hear.

"Well...keep in touch wit me. I always want to make sure ur ok." He was great at two roles: hero and martyr...never the villain.

"Will do! Don't go breakin' any more hearts. LOL!" Nothing was funny about that.

"LOL!" He wasn't really laughing.

The last response was his; she knew that was, indeed, the last one. That's how it goes. You think it's going to end hard and memorable. Tears and yelling. Regrets asserted and hopes unspoken. And it never does. It ends softly. Happy and concerned. Smiley faces and lols. Emoticon farewells.

It Was Never About Me

The man "in" my dreams because he couldnt be "of" them. I didn't meet him first.

I know he dreams about me too. Not always, of course, but sometimes. Perhaps as he naps on the sofa after playing with their baby. Or while zoning out in front of the television with her just as a Trojan commercial airs and she, with a look that used to really do it for him, asks, "Remember when we used to need those?"

I am the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach...not guilt.

I drift off to sleep every night hoping I'll find him on the other side of consciousness where we aren't wrong, and he'll kiss the back of my neck and talk about nothing, just like he did that early Spring day that never should have happened.

When will I wake up?

Is This A New Mistake or An Old One?

I can't give you all the details, though I wish I could. What I will give you is the crux of the conversation between a great friend and me and a portion of a blog she wrote. I'll let you ponder everything because I will say more in the blogs to follow. (I have corrected capiatlization and punctuation because it drives me crazy not to. Everything in brackets has been altered to protect the selfish and their enablers or clarify a sentence.)       :-)

HER: "He said I was totally right. He said he is aggravated, annoyed, and embarrassed to have asked me. He said he is never asking for anything that isn't an emergency. He admitted [that she] has issues and that it isnt fair for everyone to be rallying what she wants. Hecommented that "some people" don't have the same ideas about how money is handled, and He called her "spend reckless," a term he coined especially for her.

"He commented that she wants to redo her wedding experience. I told him that was impossible, and she need not be trying to erase and re-color in her past with prettier colors. Itold him it's not about keeping a running tally of what your partner owes you. She needs to be able to move forward and build from the experience and focus on new memories and the future and not trying to redo some shi* that cant be re-done. He commented that this renewal of vows thing is "BS" because,"it's not about "us"; she has made it all about her by ignoring his concerns and his offers for compromise. Then she had the nerve to ask him why he wasnt more involved in the planning..."

AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH...my friend continues...

"...but he said he married with the logic that 'together' means you are  [meaning "he is"] responsible for the mistakes and decisions of both parties...I know you don't like that." [The last part of the quotation is addressed to me of course.]

ME: It’s not that I don’t like that…it’s that he is the only one with that logic, therefore she makes the mistakes and decisions and he is responsible. NO BUENO! That “BS” version of “together” further solidifies [the reason] they shouldn’t be “together” because they aren’t…PERIOD. They don’t support the family together, they don’t support the [each other's] dreams together, and they don’t come together on the money. SOUNDS LIKE HE SETTLED AND KEEPS JUSTIFYING IT BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW IT. And now…I really don’t feel sorry for him…because his definition of “together” shows just how much he is falling apart but determined to be the glue that keeps that warped family photo together…as is the custom of the day…

Oh…and by the way…marrying with any kind of “logic” other than that of "I’m in love with this person, and we are on the same wave length, so I believe in our longevity" is nothing more than settling…on a cerebral (versus emotional) level…

...Then...My Good Friend's Blogpost (which I have not edited out of respect...)

"What’s better uncertainty or certain doom? I ask because as people both male and female approach 30, their early thirties and their mid-thirties it seems in some way many of us start to do things so that we will have some certainty about our future. We don’t want it to be “too late” for whatever we think we are running out of time to do. So people tend to lock down mates, careers, homes, exercise routines, nutrition plans and everything at a rapidly increasing rate due to the proverbial pressure. And most times these are well thought out decisions. Then there are the other times.

It made me wonder if some people would just rather be certain than uncertain. Regardless of what or who we signed up for whether it be an expensive gym membership that we won’t really use or spouses and potential kids that we don’t really want. Even if that certainty is that you will probably certainly be displeased. And the joke is that there is no real such thing as certainty..."

Things to Ponder...

• Are people leaning on the addage that there is no such thing as certainty to justify the mistakes that they KNOW they are making? I mean, I have a friend that told me that a voice asked her, "What are you doing?" as she walked down the aisle. Coincidence?
• What happens to people who don't believe that love is selfish and self-serving?

This picture is a new mistake...

• Do you have to be a straight-up bitch to have a husband?
• Men, if you are certain you love her and certain that she will not change, are you certain that you always will love her and that you won't change?

Orange Juice, Coffee Mugs, and a "Toast 2 Life"

BTW...she took this pic of herself...

After she left, I realized I had given her too much orange juice. I should have grabbed a coffee cup, rinsed it out, and half-filled it. The customary red, plastic SOLO I reserved for company is not her style. As I poured the rest of the juice she left in the cup down the drain, I smiled. She's priceless.

The best friendships are those that can reach the point of extinction and, somehow, teeter along the edge of reason, relevance, trust, and time with grace and resilience. We've been there; and we're back now. This new phase in our lives finds us young and filled with ambitions and dreams still throbbing in our veins. She paints. I write. We both read and blog. Her hair is natural now; mine too, but relaxed (inside joke :-D). I still trust her with the most intimate details of my brain, no matter how mean, embarrassing, or strange. She listens and makes faces that I understand. She's my oldest friend.

For a while we disconnected. I disconnected with most of the world, actually. Depression is a hard thing to overcome, no matter how strong and/or brave you are. Even though she knows the most intimate details of my life, I was still ashamed to be so weak and sad in her presence. So...the old "us"...the "us" who shared inside jokes, common history and friends, and many meals stood at the edge of a cliff, turned its back to the drop, and dangled one foot over the edge. Eventually, we fell...and landed in new territory. And it's great here.

I know this installment of my verbal vomit on virtual canvas is weird, and uncustomarily sappy (especially after the previous entry), but as much as I give a toast to the douchebags and such in true Kanye West swagg-tastic-ness, I had to lift a glass, a half-filled coffee mug of orange juice to be specific, to my homie.

Let It Fly...

I AM NOT PERFECT. And I'm okay with that. I welcome growth. I mean just the other night, before I drifted off to sleep, I actually had a vocal dialogue with God thanking God for me not being 24 years-old anymore. I "get it" now. I used to be quite a mess then. I knew it...in a way. I knew I was not perfect, but I thought I was getting closer as I got older. Now I understand that growth actually happens the other way. One has to know that the more growth occurs, the more new imperfections reveal themselves. I take joy in knowing that I can toss aside the old ones, however. So here is me doing just that with one of my bad habits in particular - believing great things about males (some of them men and some of them boys trying to play a role; some of them platonic and some of them romantic) that they don't even have the decency to believe about themselves...and holding my tongue about the things they do to me just to keep their fragile egos together. Enter my new "mistake" of not giving a damn about anyone's feelings and letting my words land where they may.

Note: More than one comment can apply to the same "N" word, but remember that I am randomly spitting fire at a few of them.

(*clears throat*)

• You don't get permission to treat people like crap because your mother died. If she could see you now, she would be really ashamed. And by the way, you're not a king. I believe they call that an illusion of grandeur. You should look it up. In fact, you should generally read more . Although books would distract you from your routine of keeping Conjure cognac in business, it might put something on your mind besides...you.

• Nobody really believes you're happy. Not even you. So am I supposed to be jealous because "God gave [you your] wife"? Don't get biblical with me. God gave a lot of other plagues in his documented  time of directly interacting with the human race. Locusts...a river of blood...and your wife? Brilliant!

• And you, "my first love"...stop asking me why I'm not married every time you see me (which isn't often). I'm not married because you were afraid of me when you were with me. And you are married because your wife is an idiot who provides all the empty worship you require. You keep asking me why I'm not married because you want me to show you some sign of regret. Well here it is...I regret ever being your girlfriend. Keep it moving...

• And to you...always fighting the war against yourself because you know you shouldn't be with her...YOU SHOULDN'T BE WITH HER. Child support is less expensive than your self-respect.

• Perhaps the two of you should see a counselor. I won't be your personal one, however.

• Nobody believes you're happy, either.

• You talk about it, think about it, and maybe even dream about it. But when I bring it up it's wrong? Really? Whatever it takes to make you feel like you can be there for the rest of your life is great (sarcastically). Just leave me out of it...please...

• Babies don't fix things, you know. Well...maybe at first. But in the end. You're still you. She's still her.

• Well, if all you wanted was a bitch, why didn't you say so?

• You're an alcoholic...with a small member....I'm sorry.

• I don't miss either of you anymore...finally.

• Does she know you asked me to marry you first...and I wasn't even pregnant?

• I thank God for every menstrual cramp because it reminds me that I don't have any of your children.

• I know you'll never read this...because you can't read.

• Yes, I do know I can be a bitch. Do you know you're one all the time? I guess that was the attraction.

WOW! It felt great to finally get those things off my chest. Thanks for the material, fellas. I know that I'm just one of those women who has to go at it alone, but at least I'm honest about my station in life. And I understand you being honest about yours would force you to be honest about too much other stuff that you would rather not discuss. Keep the lies alive! They're better than your realities...I imagine.