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I am not the person I was five years ago. I hope I will not be this person five years from now. For that I am continually thankful!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Baldwin, Bruce, and Borders

When I found out that Borders was closing its doors for good, I thought about the abstract to my master's thesis. You think it could have been partially my fault? If so, I owe them one hell of an apology...one day.  ENJOY!
      
          One Sunday after church, I stopped by a local Border’s bookstore to purchase graduation gifts for a few of my students who accepted leadership positions in a college preparatory program I teach.  I thought of the many great pieces of literature I had read throughout my secondary and post secondary school years and decided they would be the perfect gifts for such promising young people.  Among these was my favorite book, If Beale Street Could Talk, by James Baldwin.  Forgetting that I was not in Barnes and Nobles, I headed for the section of the store marked “Literature.”  In Barnes and Nobles, literature of all kinds is alphabetized by author.  I was not in Barnes and Nobles, however, so when I went to the “Literature” section and didn’t find Baldwin among the “B’s,” I stood confused.  After spending quite some time making sure I wasn’t losing my mind or my grasp of the alphabet, I headed for the “Information” desk. 
            I waited my turn and asked a timid White teenager where Baldwin might be.  He pointed to the right and said, “In African-American literature, ma’am.”  After recovering from the initial shock of appearing old enough to be called ma’am, I followed the direction of “junior’s” bony finger until I found the small secluded section marked “African-American Literature.”  I stood appalled.  Literary geniuses like Baldwin, Hurston, Ellison, and Morrison were intermingled with titles and cover art depicting sex, drug use, “street life,” and tired clichés.  Their Eyes Were Watching God and The Invisible Man sat next to The Rolexxx Club, The Bitch is Back Part 3, Forever a Hustler’s Wife, and Gold Diggers.  In addition, a nice black sign that read, “Titles may contain mature content. Parental supervision advised,” graced the shelves. 
Did the sign African-American Literature mean literature written by Black writers or for Black readers?  Was the store organized in such a way that only those seeking insight into Black America would congregate around this section?  If that is so, is this how mainstream American culture views Black America – mature content and explicit topics?  My dismay quickly became offense.  African-Americans, a heterogeneous racial group in America, are marginalized by greater society, which is no new news to me.  The reach of the marginalization, however, is offensive.  Our literary classics have not been wholly adapted into American culture; in many markets, we still reside on the fringe of literature because of the hyphenated tag “African-American.” 
            Why, in 2008 and among the mounds of academia that many Blacks have contributed to American culture, is this still so?  Will Baldwin, Hurston, Ellison, and Wright ever be officially canonized into American literary culture and placed into the “Literature” section of every bookstore beside other classics?  There is a difference between Baldwin and Zane, an African-American New York Times Bestselling author.  Their Black skin should not bind them together on the shelves.  Could it be that the mainstream culture’s view of African-American culture is so strong that it influences members of the Black community to ignore the sector of African-American literature that does not reinforce the widely-accepted, pre-conceived notions held therein?  Or is it that African-Americans create the perfect context for marginalization by embracing the stereotypical attributes of their culture instead of the meditative, speculative legacy of their rich literary and academic culture? Unfortunately, I believe the latter. I left Borders with a heavy mind and burning desire to figure out how such a travesty could be allowed to occur in a community known for fighting for equal regard, treatment, and consideration in this country?   How could popular African-American literature moved from the infinite realms of thought in intellectual arenas to the finite circles of book clubs? How could we allow it?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Adam's Apple

"Adam's Apple?"

Love how the plant on the inside
 is admiring the plant outside
and the plant outside
 is checking on the one inside.
Lady friends...

"What?"

"Adam's Apple. Women don't have Adam's Apples; only men have Adam's apples. The first night that you came to town, I noticed that you had yourself an Adam's Apple."

"Then...then you know?"

"I know that I'm very fortunate to have a lady friend who just happens to have an Adam's Apple."

-------------------------------------------

If you're a little lost, prepare to find yourself in the middle of one of the strangest, but curiously thought-provoking movies of the 90's - To Wong Foo (Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar). Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo (all in drag) drive from NY to Hollywood to a national drag queen competition. Drama ensues (of course), none of which I'll get into here except the expected car failure. The car failure leads them into a small rural town reminscent of Tex Avery (in Ms. Vida's/Patrick Swayze's) opinion. There they meet a host of colorful characters, including Stockard Channing, brilliantly playing the role of the battered wife, Carol Ann. The quote from above came from Carol Ann, who Ms. Vida mistakenly assumed didn't know she was really a man in drag. It made me think about friendships among women.

When I was a high school teacher, I would cringe when I heard girls say they "didn't mess with females" because girls caused too much drama. They would rather hang around "dudes" because "dudes" weren't "with all the drama." It's a sad statement on so many levels, the most fundamental of them being that one would disregard an entire sex (and their own sex at that) because of popular (and ultimately self) perception.  

One of the best things about taking a new job is meeting new people. One, in particular, shed similar insight on this "female-on-female" criminal act of not trusting one's own sex. She said that women often judge others by what they do to others. Simply profound. And this made me want to pay homage to the women who play important roles in my life.

The first way I plan to pay them the utmost respect is by first acknowledging them as women. They are not "females," a title that offends me more than the word "bitch," but we'll save that for another post. The women who play important roles in my life deserve that much. The next point of tribute is to highlight how they contribute to my life as "lady friends," as dear Carol Ann calls Ms. Vida. It's a title that transcends being "girlfriends." Lady friends see each other beyond the many layers they put on. Lady friends ignore the "adam's apples" and hurt feelings. Lady friends appreciate and embrace one another's strengths and flaws. Lady friends rock!

I've already written about my lady friend with the bowling hand, and lifted a half-filled mug of orange juice to my friend since first grade. There will definitely be more to come...


Friday, September 16, 2011

My Cup of Tea

"Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. [...] So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day..."

It's just this simple...just love me...for me. I promise I'll do the same to you.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Lady Friend with the Bowling Hand

Smiling!
No idea I took
the picture already!
(For KP)

Honestly, I thought I was a bit out of pocket to even hint that I knew anything about her business. She didn’t know me.

We bowled in the same league for years, and I’m sure she knew my face, but besides a passing, “Hey,” which was probably more a product of courtesy than interest, we had never spoken. I respected her, though. She was a bowler, not just a chick in the alley. She kicked ass, beating men and women with no apologies. And though you got the inkling that, after she was done on the lanes, having murdered the competition, she was gloating on the inside, she had true swag – confident humility. She is the bowler I hope to be “when I grow up.”

I was used to seeing her in the highly competitive fall/winter league we shared but was surprised to see her in summer doubles league last year, and (to bring this back to my first point) I guess that’s what made me actually say something to her.

I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I remember how I felt. I was going through “a thing.” Every day during that time, I woke up feeling my insides churning with anger and frustration. And because I was emotionally ill, my health was failing. What can I say…I had been hurt (and that’s an understatement) by yet another one of them. And I heard she had been done even dirtier than I. Her conspirators surrounded both of us, flaunting their offenses. For enduring that with a smile on her face and her focus on the lanes, she was the epitome of class in the "Bruce Book of Bad Bitches." A lady, shown best in what she didn’t do. Not that she couldn’t have done something. She just chose to deal with it in her silence about the whole situation and corrected people who needed it on a case-by-case basis. (I was privileged to witness one of these encounters.) Watching and evaluating her situation from an extreme “outside-looking-in” position made me feel free enough to walk up to this woman I only knew from her reputation of being called over the front desk microphone in the alley to come and collect all the money she had won from beating the hell out of people on the lanes and tell her what I already thought she knew – that she handled herself in a manner that rivaled that of Jesus’ treatment of the Roman soldiers who beat the hell out of him in that brutal 30-minute sequence of Passion of the Christ. I didn’t use those words, but that was the sentiment. She smiled about it and told me something I already knew – it wasn’t easy. We spoke more often after that, and I made it clear that I was working on my game so we could bowl together (one day), but we still weren’t “friends.”

Fast forward in our bowling lives and we’re back in the summer league 2011. I bowled against her, bowled the best I could, and she was impressed. A few weeks later, I cracked under some family issues, and she was the one who put humpty-dumpty back together again. Gave me her number. Told me to call her so we could talk. Was she serious? My full-scale weirdness isn’t for everyone. Didn’t know whether I should expose her to it or not…

And then I remembered what having lady friends is all about. Acceptance…PERIOD. You don’t put on airs with your lady friends. You let them see you in all your embarrassing ugliness. You let them see you and judge for themselves. And nine times out of 10, they don’t see the pathetic “you” that you see in yourself. They see beneath it all. There’s no other reason they would bother looking.

Having a lady friend with a bowling hand is an added bonus for me. Truth is there aren’t many ladies to be found in the alley, let alone friends. The alley truly exposes the consequences of the problem of Eden. It being “a male world” in there, a thought that permeates through the entire place so heavily that even the pots (bets in the bowling alley) are segregated, females often find themselves clamoring to be noticed. They use various tactics and tricks, but only the ladies with the bowling hands know that none of that is necessary. It’s a bowling alley. If you want to be known, understand the sport, play the game placed in front of you, and, no matter what, only let them see your passion for it. In simple terms…bowl. Nothing else there really matters.

And now the philosophy…if everything does indeed happen for a reason, perhaps the band aid over my twice broken heart is proof that there is someone who understands where I’m coming from and is an example of what I can do with my experiences. Perhaps a broken heart can end in (as she calls her “him”) an "other half." Perhaps not. But knowing that there’s someone on the other end of my sarcastic text messages to reply with a smile and a kind, reassuring word (or a well-placed tough one) makes it easier to face myself with hope…and become more comfortable with being me…even if that is…this. Thanks, KP!

Once she knew I was taking the picture,
she tried to act like she wasn’t flattered and gave me the half smile. 
She was saying to herself, “Take the picture lil girl,”
as she likes to call me…


Thursday, September 1, 2011

THE DREAM DEFERRED!

Okay...so I'm in the process of writing an essay about the Dr. King memorial...actually, I've been in the process of writing it since last July when I picked up Black Enterprise Magazine and saw an ad soliciting funds to build the memorial. I was inspired to write then, but became too angry to do so...and let it go...for a while. 

I'm getting into it now, but others feel the inappropriateness of aspects of the project as well, and because they have jobs that allow them to write all day, they published before me. So enjoy their commentary until mine is complete...whenever that is!

Dr. Boyce: Why I Won't Be Attending the MLK Memorial Dedication Ceremony http://yourblackworld.com/2011/08/25/why-i-wont-be-attending-the-mlk-memorial-dedication-cermony/

Maya Angelou Upset over MLK Memorial Inscription http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2011/08/maya-angelou-upset-over-mlk-memorial-inscription/



Took a picture; Now all I need is a thousand words!
 

( ) (pronounced "Embrace")

It amazes me how easily she slides into my hands in the middle of the night...like she knows exactly when I'm wondering where she is. And my hand touches my sex...and she's there, where she's always been. Held in my hands, between my pride and my shame.

And without opening my eyes, I slide her up...down...stop. Up...down...up...down. Stop. Up. Down. Up. Down. Soon the directions blur together. Never mattered anyway. She can do whatever she wants to me then. I'm clay in her hands.

And she ends up a mess in mine...