( ) (pronounced "Embrace")

It amazes me how easily she slides into my hands in the middle of the night...like she knows exactly when I'm wondering where she is. And my hand touches my sex...and she's there, where she's always been. Held in my hands, between my pride and my shame.

And without opening my eyes, I slide her up...down...stop. Up...down...up...down. Stop. Up. Down. Up. Down. Soon the directions blur together. Never mattered anyway. She can do whatever she wants to me then. I'm clay in her hands.

And she ends up a mess in mine...

. (Prounounced "End...")

When it begins, I can't help feeling finished. I suddenly remember my age. Ponder my marital and parental status. I'm an emotional little girl on the inside; an undeniable woman on the outside. There is no lady in sight.

I remember Adam. Wonder if he doesn't love me because of this...if he feels more sinful because my body is out of order but looks operational and enticing. I want to cry, but the Eve in me is strong...and knows the truth.

So I sleep instead, contorting my body throughout the night to relax the pain I'm too exhausted to address. My mind flashes scenes of life many moons ago and tries to predict many moons ahead. When I wake up, I'm still in the middle of my own mess. I pull myself up and attempt to wash it all away. It only works temporarily before the flood returns, the pain crashing through me like tidal waves, yielding only temporarily to pharmaceuticals.

When it goes, I am relieved. I eat and sleep better. My purse is lighter and often smaller. Eve has disappeared, I'm left to deal with me, her distant ancestor, shaking strange fruit from our family tree. My caverns don't swell and flood. They are dark and empty. I am bit sad for it. Like it or not, it was the only reminder of my femininity, which dwells deep in my heart, but is held captive by my pride. And when it never returns, I know I will struggle with what it means to have an impact on the world if I have not made a significant dent in those prison bars.

It makes me eloquent when others deem it a curse. It is what could have been, thrown away so I can live healthily. It is the first half of an "us" that isn't likely...

? (Pronounced "Why Do They Get Off So Easily?)

Photo by Andraya Arrington

I told her I didn't love her the way I knew I should.

(I know I'm a monster who ain't no damn good.)

I told her I wanted her out of my life but that she shouldn't cry.

('Cause I won't shed a tear after this last goodbye.)

I told her to find happiness because that was my wish.

(Invite me to your wedding, but don't expect one to mine because I'm too cold for all that ish. And I'm sorry for everything, except meeting you, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't glad this mess was through.)

The very next day I met the one for me...a month later I was down on one knee. And as I send out invitations I wonder if she'll understand that when I was with her I was a boy, but my new love made me a better man...

, (pronounced "PAUSE")

Picture by Andraya Arrington

You forget for a minute...

You forget why you're on the wrong side of the bed,

facing the window instead of the closet,

And then you hear breathing in the dark that isn't yours.

And the bed dips beneath him.

For a second everything is as you imagine.
Quiet,
Comfortable,
Frozen in the moment of sheer happines,
but the alarm breaks his sleep and your dream.

He rises,

no shine,

no kiss,

no idea that for a split second, he had it all.